Weight Loss and Tag

   I've spent the last few days really analyzing my actions in all areas of life. When it come to weight loss, I've been sabotaging myself on the weekends. I've spent the last five weeks exercising regularly. I am one of the few people who can do Insanity Asylum and still gain weight. Why? The weekends. I go off course on the eating plan I've created for myself and on top of that I straight up just emotionally eat sometimes. I have the solution to emotional eating. It's what's worked for me before and what is helping me to write this post. I realized something today.

    I've been sweating like my life depends on it. I've been getting SO much stronger. I can do nearly every type of push up and my endurance is beyond what I ever thought it could be. But since losing my weight I've put 12 pounds back on because I stopped doing my work. Weight loss is 85 percent mental. I stopped evaluating my motives. It's beyond the obvious calorie counting game. Everyone knows it's necessary to eat fewer calories and exercise more in order to lose weight. What many of us don't know is that we have to do emotional work. We have to ask ourselves why we're willing to compromise. Why is that dessert (or soda or whatever your vice is)  worth it? Why isn't our goal worth the temporary sacrifice? Why?
   Why is the absolute most important question we can ask ourselves. Today I asked myself why and some ugly truths came out. I realized that deep down I still don't think I'll reach my goal. This seems crazy because I'm actively working toward it. But when I choose to eat things that go contrary to my goal I make excuses that re simply not valid. On some level I'm still afraid of how I'll be perceived....I'm afraid of not recognizing myself. When I first lost the weight I would look in the mirror and I couldn't believe how much smaller I looked. I became used to it and started eating the way I used to-without exercise. Now I have the exercise part down but the idea of eating clean forever is still hard because quite frankly, it's totally contrary to everyone and everything around me. It's okay to eat stuff that's off course occasionally, but it can't be regularly. It all seems so simple, but it's not. I'm both excited and afraid to see myself in the mirror and to be drastically smaller than I am now. To see what I've wanted for so long....I don't know how that feels. That scares me.
    It's like playing tag-I'm so used to chasing this dream that the idea of actually catching it seems so far. I've become used to being unhappy and uncomfortable with my weight. I don't know what comes after that because I haven't experienced it. But I want to. And I will. I'm doing the work. I'm digging into my own reasons for allowing myself to gain this weight back, and that's what will help me to lose it--again.